The Potty Mouth at the Table

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So I submitted my name and address on the Antiques Roadshow website. We both doubled our chances in a second and I already had the tape measure out to figure how to get the poster in my car. And just to make sure, I checked every week to see that I had the date right and how much closer we were getting. I thought about buying a new dress to wear, because certainly this would be highlighted not only on the show itself but also in commercials and trailers and most likely on the website, too.

Oh, I thought, I hope I get a twin! Even though they look the same, I have a feeling they each might elicit a different prepared reaction from me. I looked at the Mucha, knowing that soon it was going to be legitimized, verified, respected for what it was. It was essential that its pedigree was finally recognized, especially after escaping the wrecking ball and being kept in storage for half a century. I went to the Antiques Roadshow website and put in my confirmation number.

The screen came up blank. I had not been chosen. Did you e-mail me? What about you? Still nothing! I thought you got up at 7.

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Check your e-mail! Like a little hard to breathe. What time do you get up? Is your connection down? Because I know you are good with paying bills. If you take someone else, I will need my shoes back. I know I said my feet are too wide for them, but I am sure I can get them to fit with a layer of baby oil. We had a deal. And then, like magic, I got an e-mail from Antiques Roadshow.

My eyes got watery. My heart fluttered as if I had eaten a cookie too fast. Oh, thank God, I sighed. They made a mistake. Thank God. I clicked on the e-mail quickly, sitting up in my chair in front of the computer, and as the e-mail loaded, my eyes darted over the message and I bit my lip.

The Potty Mouth at the Table

In Biloxi, Mark L. Walberg and appraiser David Rago check out the wild pottery of George Ohr. It was a newsletter. Antiques Roadshow, those scoundrels, those filthy, terrible knaves, had sent me a newsletter on the day they had decided to deny me tickets. I have bad news. I checked my number, too, she said sadly. I wonder how many tickets those Antiques Roadshow varlets gave out? Well, I have more bad news, Ariane added.

I already asked her if she would give you the second ticket, and she said no. He passed it to someone," she told me. Ariane, in an effort to be a good friend and cheer me up, tried to get some tickets on craigslist, but the current asking price was two hundred dollars. It is such a con! Where is quality control on Antiques Roadshow? They get what they deserve, a bunch of wooden frogs and bongs.

I even do a really good impression of the old lady on the Antiques Roadshow commercial guessing the value of the Indian blanket. Six-fif- tay! I know how much this meant to you. I hope they get nothing but frogs and bongs. My poster is a star! My Mucha is the new Indian blanket! The days and weeks passed.

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I tried not to give it any more thought. I really did.

The Potty Mouth at the Table | Book by Laurie Notaro | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster

But on the day I knew everyone who had tickets was descending on the fairgrounds, my hate was a cinder just waiting to combust and blow up that allegedly celebrity-fondled bong right along with it. I hope they get nothing but geodes, I said to my husband as I walked through the living room. Oregon spoons. Old thermoses, I said on my way back through the living room. And war medals! Pottery from seventh-grade art classes! Snow globes! You falsifiers! You know, if that thing is real, he said, nodding toward the Mucha on the wall, "then Antiques Roadshow just did you a big favor.

If you love it as much as you say you do, love it enough to let it be fake. Love it enough to let it stay right where it is so you can look at it every day.

Publisher Description

He was right, I realized. That was the curse of Antiques Roadshow; there was no winning either way. If your stuff was worthless, even if you loved it, you now knew it was crap. How many people do you know who would keep an Indian blanket hanging over their couch if it was worth half a million dollars not six-fif- tay? This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?

Customer Reviews

Upload Sign In Join. Home Books Pop Culture. Save For Later. Create a List. Read on the Scribd mobile app Download the free Scribd mobile app to read anytime, anywhere. What would you call them if they did that to you? I demanded. Yes, it was that good. I needed to go, I decided. I had to go.

I was going to go. Of course I was going to get tickets. I was going to get tickets. Did you hear anything? New Releases.

Potty Mouth - Smash Hit (Official video)

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Expected to be delivered to Germany by Christmas. Description From the celebrated author best known for the Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club and described as "the funniest writer in the solar system" The Miami Herald comes a new laugh-out-loud collection of essays on rudeness. Anne Frank's underwear. New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro--rightfully hailed as "the funniest writer in the solar system" The Miami Herald --spares nothing and no one, least of all herself, in this uproarious new collection of essays on rudeness.

With the sardonic, self-deprecating wit that makes us all feel a little better about ourselves for identifying with her, Laurie explores her recent misadventures and explains why it's not her who is nuts, it's them and okay, sometimes it's her too. Whether confessing that her obsession with buying fabric has reached junior hoarder status or mistaking a friend's heinous tattoo as temporary, Laurie puts her unique spin--sometimes bizarre, always entertaining--on the many perils of modern living in a mannerless society.